Laura Evelyn

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 23:47:27 GMT

DONOVAN IS HERE

November 18, 2007
1:29am

7lbs 3.6oz
20 inches

5 fingers
5 toes

100% perfectly healthy.

&hearts;

AHH

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 21:05:03 GMT

i am way too anxious.
two night ago i lost my mucus plug. im 34 weeks on sunday and i cant even think straight. time is just creeping by as slowly as possible, although it does seem like april fools day, when i took the pregnancy test, was only a few weeks ago. but then again it feels like ive been pregnant for years. i was thinking about it and i actually kind of forget what it feels like not being pregnant. my head is spinning though, i cant stop thinking about childbirth, and being able to hold my son in my arms. i want to run in circles and scream.. i think i may be nesting as well. im not a cleaning freak, i hate doing it, i only do it because i have to, but lately i WANT to clean, and organize.. etc.. especially late at night when i cant sleep. hey, i think if my nails werent wet id be cleaning now,
but anywayssss
im just to ansty right now to write in my journal, so ill update later because there are some issues im dealing with and need to get off my chest as much as possible. i dont feel like talking about anything too heavy right now, and im really craving some gatorade (riptide rush<3)

<33

letter i wrote to my son

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 06:05:06 GMT

Dear Donovan,
Wow, look at you, so peaceful... almost 4 weeks ago. You were only in my belly for 29 weeks at that point, and already such a beautiful baby boy. Seeing your face for the first time was breathtaking, literally, and every time i look at this picture my heart sinks. I can't wait to hold you in my arms, and kiss you on your little forehead. You've been a part of me now for 33 weeks, and the day I get to see you face to face is getting closer and closer. I already love you so much, more then I could imagine loving someone I haven't even met. I can only imagine what it will feel like when we do meet. I'm sitting here tearing up just thinking about it. I was laying in bed a short while ago feeling you squirm around, and I just couldn't sleep through the excitement I'm feeling right now. I can't imagine holding you for the first time being anything short of the best moment of my life. I think about the days when I get to see your first smile, hear your first sounds, hear that first little giggle... and I think about the times when I get to rock you to sleep, smell your soft baby skin.. wow.

I have to tell you baby I'm a little nervous too. I'm making a promise to you now that I will do all I can to be the best mother that I can be for you. Whatever you need is what I will be here for. I'm a little nervous baby because I want to be perfect for you, I don't want anything but the best for you, but I know I am human and sometimes I'll just fall short of my own expectations of myself. I've never done this before, and I have a lot of support but baby I still have a lot to learn. I want to raise you right and give you the opportunity to live the best life possible. I want you to love living, and just be happy and satisfied. And baby that reminds me, there's an old song that I've heard since I was little, and it has never hit me quite as much as it does now. It's called simple man and here are the lyrics that hit me so hard and describe what I want for you:

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you'll find love,
And don't forget son,
There is someone up above.

And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Wont you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich mans gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

Boy, don't you worry... you'll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

I love you so much already, Donovan. You are already the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will write to you again soon.
With all of my love,
Mommy.

miserable miserable miserable

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 22:04:01 GMT

All I want to do is sleep... and wake up here and there to have a few hundred bites to eat. my doctor says she only gives me 4 or 5 weeks till I have my son, and I know that’s going to fly by, and I know I have a lot to do before then (still haven’t gotten the room set up) but still the idea of going through this for 5 more weeks, max 6, makes me feel like this is never going to end.

Eh I don’t even feel like typing.
Later.

tangible evidence?

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 15:41:56 GMT

So my body decided "enough is enough, Laura… you need to rest." So I've just gotten out of this three-day long hangover-like state where I had hardly enough energy to even change my under britches. Hah, and under britches is really fun to say. But anyhow, I feel great today, so I’m thankful for the last three days of nothingness and not thinking much about anything… even though last night I was really down on myself feeling like a worthless blob. The third trimester is still kicking my ass a little bit, but my friends with babies are now satisfied I guess... considering they were all having some jealousy issues with the fact that I was having such an easy pregnancy up until now. I haven’t been to a meeting in three days, which I never ever do, but like I said, it’s a miracle I put clean underwear on every day… and finally forced myself into the shower last night. My sponsorship family meeting was Sunday, which does count as a meeting in my eyes, in fact I get more out of that than I usually do from any regular open meeting. I really feel comfortable to open up for some reason... and Sundays meeting was amazing.

I had been praying for some real tangible evidence (as if the fact that I’m clean and living the way I am living today isn’t enough) of a higher power that will work in my life. This is a real “god story” here, so brace yourself… at least it blows me away. Well anyhow, I was struggling with how to turn a certain situation over to my higher power… I’m on the third step and it hasn’t been extremely easy for me so far. The only real way I’ve been able to take action with turning the situation over is to pray about it. I felt like a little girl being faced with some real big-girl decisions. I don’t like talking about this much because I feel very judged on this situation, like I live some Jerry Springer kind-of trailer park lifestyle or something… but who really cares who judges me on livejournal, because my friends out here in the real world don’t. Anyhow, the situation is like this: The father of my unborn son is Tony. I was with him for just under a year, and things were great at first… until we moved in together. Gradually things progressed and I found myself somewhere I never thought I’d be, and that’s in an all-around abusive relationship. The mental abuse is coming more clear to me now, but what was obvious to me towards the end is that I was being physically abused, and that was NOT ok. So after one of my even bigger nevers came true, which I wont talk about right now, I came back home from South Carolina... and still in denial, told him I’d get stuff set up for him to have a place to stay and a few job leads in two weeks or so. After being back home for a little while, God put someone in my life that helped me realize the reality of my relationship with Tony, and that I deserved so much more, so I called one night and told him not to bother coming up to Baltimore, and that It was over between us. At this point I am four months pregnant, and feeling stuck, but finally realized I wasn’t stuck at all. So anyhow he eventually ended up coming to Baltimore anyway a month ago, and wanted to be involved with my pregnancy and the baby when he is born, and would not take no for an answer about being with me. He said he was changing, that he was clean and wanted to stay clean and go to meetings and become a better person… but of course this was a crock. Needless to say, he was the same person. So I was really struggling with what to do. Involve him in my son’s life? Not involve him? How much do I involve him if I do at all? What does he have to do to prove to me he is worthy of being involved? So much stuff, and on top of it all I’m still grieving the loss of the relationship, and in that I’m grieving the good and the bad. But anyhow, there was a lot more involved in this all, I could write a novel… but while I was sharing at my sponsorship family meeting about my struggle with this, and with applying the third step in my life in this situation… my sponsor was holding my phone because I tend to fuck with it while I’m sharing out of nervousness, and it rang but she ignored the call because we can’t answer our phones in the meeting. I even said while I was sharing “I just wish he were in jail (he has warrants in SC, but wont be extradited in MD unless he is arrested) because that would make it SO much easier for me, and it would be the ultimate relief.” So after I was finished sharing my son was sitting on my bladder and it was an absolute emergency that I go to the potty, and I took my phone with my and listened to the voicemail in the bathroom. The call was from him, and I could hear police and their walkie-talkies in the background, and he was letting me know he wont be able to talk to or see me for a while because he was being arrested. This basically means I don’t have to worry about it for at least 2 years, probably more. THERE IS A GOD, and he does care. I know this isn’t all about me, but my god, it felt like a huge weight was lifted.

So anyway, that’s enough about all that. Today is Wednesday… hump day as people call it? No humping for me though, lol. Celibacy is a whole other thing I could go into, but I will save that for another day. I defiantly need to go to a meeting today, there is one right near where I live and I know Erica and Mikey are going so that won’t be a problem. We’re all supposed to go out and “play” today as we call it when were going to do some hanging out and being stupid most of the time. So let me get my big pregnant ass out from in front of this computer and get some stuff done.