Laura Evelyn

location: Home

mood: rejuvenated

music: Candlebox - Far Behind

    So my body decided "enough is enough, Laura… you need to rest." So I've just gotten out of this three-day long hangover-like state where I had hardly enough energy to even change my under britches. Hah, and under britches is really fun to say. But anyhow, I feel great today, so I’m thankful for the last three days of nothingness and not thinking much about anything… even though last night I was really down on myself feeling like a worthless blob. The third trimester is still kicking my ass a little bit, but my friends with babies are now satisfied I guess... considering they were all having some jealousy issues with the fact that I was having such an easy pregnancy up until now. I haven’t been to a meeting in three days, which I never ever do, but like I said, it’s a miracle I put clean underwear on every day… and finally forced myself into the shower last night. My sponsorship family meeting was Sunday, which does count as a meeting in my eyes, in fact I get more out of that than I usually do from any regular open meeting. I really feel comfortable to open up for some reason... and Sundays meeting was amazing.

I had been praying for some real tangible evidence (as if the fact that I’m clean and living the way I am living today isn’t enough) of a higher power that will work in my life. This is a real “god story” here, so brace yourself… at least it blows me away. Well anyhow, I was struggling with how to turn a certain situation over to my higher power… I’m on the third step and it hasn’t been extremely easy for me so far. The only real way I’ve been able to take action with turning the situation over is to pray about it. I felt like a little girl being faced with some real big-girl decisions. I don’t like talking about this much because I feel very judged on this situation, like I live some Jerry Springer kind-of trailer park lifestyle or something… but who really cares who judges me on livejournal, because my friends out here in the real world don’t. Anyhow, the situation is like this: The father of my unborn son is Tony. I was with him for just under a year, and things were great at first… until we moved in together. Gradually things progressed and I found myself somewhere I never thought I’d be, and that’s in an all-around abusive relationship. The mental abuse is coming more clear to me now, but what was obvious to me towards the end is that I was being physically abused, and that was NOT ok. So after one of my even bigger nevers came true, which I wont talk about right now, I came back home from South Carolina... and still in denial, told him I’d get stuff set up for him to have a place to stay and a few job leads in two weeks or so. After being back home for a little while, God put someone in my life that helped me realize the reality of my relationship with Tony, and that I deserved so much more, so I called one night and told him not to bother coming up to Baltimore, and that It was over between us. At this point I am four months pregnant, and feeling stuck, but finally realized I wasn’t stuck at all. So anyhow he eventually ended up coming to Baltimore anyway a month ago, and wanted to be involved with my pregnancy and the baby when he is born, and would not take no for an answer about being with me. He said he was changing, that he was clean and wanted to stay clean and go to meetings and become a better person… but of course this was a crock. Needless to say, he was the same person. So I was really struggling with what to do. Involve him in my son’s life? Not involve him? How much do I involve him if I do at all? What does he have to do to prove to me he is worthy of being involved? So much stuff, and on top of it all I’m still grieving the loss of the relationship, and in that I’m grieving the good and the bad. But anyhow, there was a lot more involved in this all, I could write a novel… but while I was sharing at my sponsorship family meeting about my struggle with this, and with applying the third step in my life in this situation… my sponsor was holding my phone because I tend to fuck with it while I’m sharing out of nervousness, and it rang but she ignored the call because we can’t answer our phones in the meeting. I even said while I was sharing “I just wish he were in jail (he has warrants in SC, but wont be extradited in MD unless he is arrested) because that would make it SO much easier for me, and it would be the ultimate relief.” So after I was finished sharing my son was sitting on my bladder and it was an absolute emergency that I go to the potty, and I took my phone with my and listened to the voicemail in the bathroom. The call was from him, and I could hear police and their walkie-talkies in the background, and he was letting me know he wont be able to talk to or see me for a while because he was being arrested. This basically means I don’t have to worry about it for at least 2 years, probably more. THERE IS A GOD, and he does care. I know this isn’t all about me, but my god, it felt like a huge weight was lifted.

So anyway, that’s enough about all that. Today is Wednesday… hump day as people call it? No humping for me though, lol. Celibacy is a whole other thing I could go into, but I will save that for another day. I defiantly need to go to a meeting today, there is one right near where I live and I know Erica and Mikey are going so that won’t be a problem.  We’re all supposed to go out and “play” today as we call it when were going to do some hanging out and being stupid most of the time. So let me get my big pregnant ass out from in front of this computer and get some stuff done.

mood: annoyed

music: Fan Buzzing

                On a lighter note, my Avon order finally arrived at around 4:30. It was like Christmas for about, Id say, oh 10 minutes maybe… and then I arranged and bagged each order and it was all over. My DSL stuff came by UPS at around 5:30, and that was a short lived excitement too, which quickly turned into a pain in the ass. I found that, unlike with Comcast cable internet, I have to wait 5 days for my service to be activated… I got a little overly upset about this and raised hell on the phone with Verizon for about an hour. Finally I got connected with a supervisor when I threatened to cancel it all and just go to Comcast (which I wouldn’t do but sometimes it pays off to act like a shitty brat in these situations,) but he really wasn’t too much help. He said he will try his best to pull some strings and get it activated sooner but he can’t make any promises. He said he would call back tomorrow and let me know what he could, or couldn’t, do. I’m not getting my hopes up. So here I am typing yet another livejournal entry on Microsoft Word like a big dork.

                Speaking of big, I am HUGE. I’ve put on a lot of weight during this pregnancy and it’s taking its toll, emotionally and physically. I dreamed of being one of those cute pretty glowing pregnant women, but instead I’ve gotten to the point that no matter what I put on or how well I do my hair/makeup/whatever, I just cannot be satisfied with what I see in the mirror. Everyone keeps saying “YOU’RE PREGNANT.” Well no shit. That doesn’t change the fact that my weight gain is making me feel ugly and unattractive. I know I can lose the weight, I’ve lost weight in a healthy way before… so I’m not feeling like this is permanent or anything, but shit… it still hurts. Speaking of hurt my back is breaking and little Donovan really needs to lay off the boxing training with my cervix as the punching bag. All normal stuff, but yet all unpleasant as well. Hey, at least my boobs look great!

                My eyes are getting heavy but for some reason I just don’t feel like I want to go to sleep yet. My day feels incomplete. Something feels missing. I can’t pinpoint it. I guess going to bed wouldn’t hurt though, and depriving myself can’t be too good for me. With all of that, I guess its goodnight to good old Microsoft Word.

location: Home

mood: excited

music: Silence

                Oh I am just so excited… for a few reasons. Number one, I’ve finally got my computer back up and running (thanks to my mom’s co-worker Rebecca’s boyfriend) and number two, ITS AVON DELIVERY DAY!!! It’s like Christmas in September. This is my first order being an “Avon lady”… so I wonder if it is this exciting every delivery day.

                Anyhow, I’m also very excited about being able to use livejournal again… I’m using Microsoft Word right now because I’m a big nerd and my internet isn’t set up yet. (Will the stuff for that come today to?) I have nothing else to do. If I weren’t typing up a journal entry I’d probably be pacing around the house now not knowing what to do with myself. I wonder if I will start over, or use my old LJ. I’m leaning towards starting over because it’s been so long since I updated my old one.

                I am never up at 8:40 unless something cool is happening. The morning school bus just went up the street and my mind wandered for a second to thinking about when my little boy goes to his first day of school. I’m just a little stuck in the future, considering he isn’t even due to be born for 59 more days. That seems like a lot, how much longer can I carry this heavy little man, and how much bigger can this belly get?! I don’t even want to think about my stretch marks expanding even more. I’m sure the time up to his birth will fly by just as the rest of the pregnancy has. April fools day, the day I took the test (yeah, that was interesting…) looks like a good while back when you look at the big picture, but it feels like last week. I’m starting to get a little nervous about how I will “measure up.” I’m doing this pretty much on my own, and I am trying not to put too high expectations on myself but I do have a little fantasy about being super-mom. Am I going to be able to be the best mother I can be, AND build a successful life for myself and him? I have a lot of goals, and a track record of setting goals and following through half-assed. I am a different person now then I used to be, and I feel like I’m ready to pursue those goals. What I have a healthy fear of is myself… I worry about being able to stay motivated, dedicated, and willing to do the footwork necessary to get what I want in life. I also worry about with all these changes in my life soon to come, will I stay as dedicated to my recovery as I have been since I got clean this time around? I know it is different this time, I’ve finally surrendered… this just goes back to the fear I have of myself. I know I’m capable of fucking things up… but I also trust that I’m very capable of doing things right this time.

                Step Three is a little difficult for me. I need to look more into HOW I can practice it in my life. I need to slow down and really take a look at my behaviors, and sometime just stop and think before acting. I need to ask more questions, reach out a little more to women who have worked the third step and do their best to live it in their lives on a regular basis. “Letting go and letting God” has been semi-easy for me with the big stuff in my life, but it’s the little everyday things that get me. I really need to work this step thoroughly and get a true understanding of what “turning it over” really is. Here’s my promise to myself: I will talk to my sponsor about my issues I’ve been having with the third step and ask for her help, and I will reach out to other women and ask how they work step three in their lives.

                Well, I think that’s enough for now. I don’t want to write novel-sized entries that no one will ever read… that’s no fun.